New Forum! check it out please!

so i created a Pro Ana Mia forum.

i hope you guys visit it, this is the first time iv ever done something like this so help me out, give me feedback, whatever.
spread the word, i really want this to work out!

link:

http://scrumptioushollow.forumotion.net/index.htm

the holidays

god. we all hate them. you know you do, dont deny it.

the food.

the family.

the people.

the FAT.

UGH!

so obviously. im on vacation. two weeks. two weeks without structure, school, and starvation. since im home so much i need to eat more to satisfy my family’s suspicions. it sucks. and now, im writting to you wonderful people who read my blog from my aunts house. there are TOO MANY PEOPLE HERE! its me, my sister, my brother, my mom, my dad, my grandma, aunt 1, uncle 1, aunt 2, uncle 2, cousin 1, cousin 1’s husband, and their kid (second cousin).yeah.

i managed not to eat too much for most of the day. and then desert came and aunt 2 brought a whole platter full of different types of cookies and there was aunt 1’s toffe brittle, and just so many delicious sugary things. i caved, i had to have eaten like 8 cookies and 3 square inches of toffee brittle. i feel FREAKING DISGUCTING. i want to go in the bathroom and cry my eyes out. i hate feeling this full. i hate it so much.

iv been trying to exercise by bouncing my legs and walking around, but im pretty sure its not working. i guess i just need a little support right now.

ALSO. i made a post on whyeat.net about how researchers believe that anorexia is linked to wanting to stay a child, and im starting to agree with that more and more. my seconds cousin got all these presents and everyone was paying attention to him and i felt jealous. of a freaking five year old! i wanted to be the center of everyones attention. i wanted everyone to be taking my picture. i wanted all the presents. these days everyone just gets me like 15 bucks and then theyre done with me. its not fair. either that or i want to fade away. disappear so im just a spectator. im free to leave whenever i want to but i can always come back and enjoy the company thats close by.

i just want this to end. i hate holidays.

lost more && conquered

finally down to about 100 lbs again! im so proud of myself :)

any ways over the weekend my family had company over so obvious ther was delicious foods. and plus too, its the holidays! so again HIGH CALORIE FAT MAKING FOODS. UGH.

the goodnews.

i resisted almost every bad thing! we have like a dozen bagels from einstien bagel bros. , my dad got me a chocolate cupcake from somewhere, at this party this weekend there was cheese lasagna (this one was easiest to resist haha), and of course the wheat thins, and icream, and cookies that i have stashed around the house. BUT I RESISTED THEM ALL. and even if what i just said was triggering for you, you can keep that temptaion off because i did and so can you!

the badnews.

since iv lost weight im a little worried about how my friends and family will react if they notice :\

i have a meeting with my psychiatrist later this week and i think he might weight me or something or order tests on my blood because i used to be anemic and my mom suggested it last time we visited. ugh….. im so scared. what if he makes me go into rehab or something or go into hospitalization. OR eve worse go to one of those eating disorder places for teens where they make you eat like a bazillion calories per meal!?

well i guess we’ll cross that bridge when it gets here…

ttfn :)

some extra inspiration:

new laptop and update

AHHHHHH!!!! im so excited!

i got a new laptop! :D

for an early christmas present. it sooo cool. and the best part is…. i can get on the blog more! i can look for thinspo more! i can chat on the forums (for ana) more! and it distracts me from eating! its sooo great.

 

anyways, other than that this week has been okay. the only bad thing is ….. i got my period. i was just like WTF. im anorexic, i havent had my period in five months, WHATS THE DEAL!? like about a year ago, i didnt have my period for six months, and it was WONDERFUL. i hate it when i get my period, but it was also a good thing because it helps me starve. i just want my period to disappear forever, so iv probably eaten about 800 calories since wednesday :)

lost some weight. yippee.

ughh so i gotta babysit later, but i will definitely update the thinspo tomorrow! :)

 

heres a little something from me to you!

something fun perhaps?

ughhh. binged today. i had a girl scout meeting. yes girl scouts. its good for college so be quite! :P (the downside is the glorious cookies)
anyways. we had bagels and this like egg pie thing. oh yeah keish i think. so yeah. not good. but i didnt have one bagle. i had three bagel halves PLUS cream cheese. exactly. then i was just like. why the fuck not. and had some cookies. (I GOT TO TASTE THE NEW FLAVOR!!! :D). and then everyone left and im alone in my house (we have the meetings at my house. and then i had russion wedding cookies or whatever and good and plenty and pie crust. ughhhh

good news: since no ones home i can exercise vigorously and not be called anorexic by my twin sister :)

i want to do something fun with the Pro-Ana community out there. soooo i was thinking we could share holiday thinspo? just a thought.

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!

♥
katy

Victoria’s Secret

who else watched the Victoria’s secret fashion show this week!
i love it. i love underware sooo much. pretty much just because all the models look amazing in underwear and skinny too :)

the same day the fashion show was on, i went to the mall. i went to victoria’s secret/PINK and bought new panties! yay.
i love new underwear too ;)

then two days ago i went to jc penny and got these two amazing bras! haha

so a few questions for you lovely readers…

do you love underwear too?
do you have another secret obsession?
where is your favorite place to buy bras and undies?

haha, i know this is such a weird topic, but iv been thinking about it all week. Ana has a soft spot for being unclothed

hello again

wow. i really havent been on in a while. school is just WAY too stressful!!

everything is getting in the way. i wish is was normal or thin enough. iv been havin to eat more lately just to keep my energy up for school and what not.
my therapist said it was a good idea to do homework with friends, so i have been. but when ever my friends come over i always eat a lot. like upwards of 1200 cals for that day.
i still havent told my therapist about my ED, i dont think i plan on it either.

i got a psychiatrist and i am now on anti-depressants along with the ADHD med i was already taking. iv been on the antidepressants for about a month. and i secretly stopped taking them about a week ago. it made me feel “not me”. and when i told my therapist about it she said i would have to be on trial with them for about 6 months before she made a decision on whether or not to take me off them. i guess its really not my choice anymore. but when im happy i eat more and then i want to be skinny but i cant bring myself to do it because im “happy”. and then when i did stop taking them i was losing weight again. i could finally see some of my bones. it had been so long. but then thanksgiving came, but that another story. i guess i just wanted to update everyone about how im doing. im still about 106-105 these days. not very happy about it.

might post more later but it have a LOT of work to do for school. i hate school -____-

another day goes by

it seems like high school is getting exponentially harder. i cant take it. its so hard and no one understands what is really going on inside me. all they see is my face and my body and my expressions. no one understands. my mom keeps getting on my nerves, telling me that i need to exercise more, i keep skipping soccer practice and leaving halfway through the games. she doesn’t understand either. being anorexic and usually somewhere around the 100lb mark makes it hard to play a sport. most people would say that someone as skinny as me would be good just because im not fat but iv destroyed my body. my muscle mass is gone and i if a keep playing its going to become obvious that there’s something wrong with me. i dont want to stop and iv tried several times but every time i get close to getting my period or going somewhere special i back out. i don’t want people to see me fat and not having my period just gives me one less thing to stress about.
at school people try to be nice to me and im sure they’re my friend but deep down i fear that calling them a friend means they know me. i know they dont. i dont think i really have “friends” per say just people who can understand me better than anyone else in the world. but even as much as they understand me they dont realize the depth that i go. i am a Marianas Trench and they’re just standing on the closest sand bar. im changing and becoming deeper as time goes one and even if this extended metaphor doesnt last i know i will, and so will this pain i feel. the depression is all that keeps me from being normal. one of the biggest questions i seem to ask myself lately is whether the depression is what caused the anorexia or whether having the eating disorder caused the depression. sometimes i cant remember that far back. four years. sometimes i see my whole life as clearly as if i had just lived it. right there. in front of my eyes. replaying in my head. taunting me.

ew. food? seriously?

so all this week was like a spirit week at my highschool and we had all these crazy themes.
so all week i got back into my ana tendencies bcuz i had kinda pigged out over the weekend. i was doing sooo good.
and then today was celebri-day (haha get it -.-)…and i was keira knightley ♥. so i stayed thin.

what i had today:
breakfast: nothing
snack: a few gummy things like 5 maybe so id say about 60-70 kcals…
lunch: baked doritos — 90kcals
afterschool :\… kinda pigged out a little. i had chips and dip, 100 cal bite brownies, tortilla w/ cream cheese, and a few other things

i skipped dinner though so after the tortilla all i had was green tea.

i cant believe i did this.

so today we had soccer and so i didnt want to be slow so i had like four small bowls of past with sauce and Parmesan cheese. cold. the night before me and my friend were hanging out and we ate a lot of shit and it was just kinda gross. so we made brownies and i ate those before the game too. ikr. and then at the game i feel like im gonna throw up [too bad i didnt] so my mom took me home. and then we had pizza for dinner and i resisted for about an hour, until i went into the kitchen… i had a piece of pizza a granola bar a bowl of icecream and its only 7:30 so who knows what will happen next. im scared. before i just thought this was a phase. and god i hope it is. but iv been “bingeing” for the past week or so. really scary. i put bingeing in quotation marks because i wouldnt eat breakfast and then i would have a 100 cal. snack bar for lunch and then when i get home i would eat upwards of 1500 cals. at the least…

i wanted so badly to weight myself tonight but my sister is still home and the scale is in my parent’s room. maybe if i saw in numbers how bad this was getting i would be able to stop?i always start bingeing when i get on the scale and see a low weight. so what if because that weight is always in my mind i just sort of think that im around that weight still, that i can just keep eating?

i think i just really need some support right now. please please please! comment do whatever just help me through this, help me and ana!

kk