the holidays

god. we all hate them. you know you do, dont deny it.

the food.

the family.

the people.

the FAT.

UGH!

so obviously. im on vacation. two weeks. two weeks without structure, school, and starvation. since im home so much i need to eat more to satisfy my family’s suspicions. it sucks. and now, im writting to you wonderful people who read my blog from my aunts house. there are TOO MANY PEOPLE HERE! its me, my sister, my brother, my mom, my dad, my grandma, aunt 1, uncle 1, aunt 2, uncle 2, cousin 1, cousin 1’s husband, and their kid (second cousin).yeah.

i managed not to eat too much for most of the day. and then desert came and aunt 2 brought a whole platter full of different types of cookies and there was aunt 1’s toffe brittle, and just so many delicious sugary things. i caved, i had to have eaten like 8 cookies and 3 square inches of toffee brittle. i feel FREAKING DISGUCTING. i want to go in the bathroom and cry my eyes out. i hate feeling this full. i hate it so much.

iv been trying to exercise by bouncing my legs and walking around, but im pretty sure its not working. i guess i just need a little support right now.

ALSO. i made a post on whyeat.net about how researchers believe that anorexia is linked to wanting to stay a child, and im starting to agree with that more and more. my seconds cousin got all these presents and everyone was paying attention to him and i felt jealous. of a freaking five year old! i wanted to be the center of everyones attention. i wanted everyone to be taking my picture. i wanted all the presents. these days everyone just gets me like 15 bucks and then theyre done with me. its not fair. either that or i want to fade away. disappear so im just a spectator. im free to leave whenever i want to but i can always come back and enjoy the company thats close by.

i just want this to end. i hate holidays.

new laptop and update

AHHHHHH!!!! im so excited!

i got a new laptop! :D

for an early christmas present. it sooo cool. and the best part is…. i can get on the blog more! i can look for thinspo more! i can chat on the forums (for ana) more! and it distracts me from eating! its sooo great.

 

anyways, other than that this week has been okay. the only bad thing is ….. i got my period. i was just like WTF. im anorexic, i havent had my period in five months, WHATS THE DEAL!? like about a year ago, i didnt have my period for six months, and it was WONDERFUL. i hate it when i get my period, but it was also a good thing because it helps me starve. i just want my period to disappear forever, so iv probably eaten about 800 calories since wednesday :)

lost some weight. yippee.

ughh so i gotta babysit later, but i will definitely update the thinspo tomorrow! :)

 

heres a little something from me to you!