New Forum! check it out please!

so i created a Pro Ana Mia forum.

i hope you guys visit it, this is the first time iv ever done something like this so help me out, give me feedback, whatever.
spread the word, i really want this to work out!

link:

http://scrumptioushollow.forumotion.net/index.htm

another day goes by

it seems like high school is getting exponentially harder. i cant take it. its so hard and no one understands what is really going on inside me. all they see is my face and my body and my expressions. no one understands. my mom keeps getting on my nerves, telling me that i need to exercise more, i keep skipping soccer practice and leaving halfway through the games. she doesn’t understand either. being anorexic and usually somewhere around the 100lb mark makes it hard to play a sport. most people would say that someone as skinny as me would be good just because im not fat but iv destroyed my body. my muscle mass is gone and i if a keep playing its going to become obvious that there’s something wrong with me. i dont want to stop and iv tried several times but every time i get close to getting my period or going somewhere special i back out. i don’t want people to see me fat and not having my period just gives me one less thing to stress about.
at school people try to be nice to me and im sure they’re my friend but deep down i fear that calling them a friend means they know me. i know they dont. i dont think i really have “friends” per say just people who can understand me better than anyone else in the world. but even as much as they understand me they dont realize the depth that i go. i am a Marianas Trench and they’re just standing on the closest sand bar. im changing and becoming deeper as time goes one and even if this extended metaphor doesnt last i know i will, and so will this pain i feel. the depression is all that keeps me from being normal. one of the biggest questions i seem to ask myself lately is whether the depression is what caused the anorexia or whether having the eating disorder caused the depression. sometimes i cant remember that far back. four years. sometimes i see my whole life as clearly as if i had just lived it. right there. in front of my eyes. replaying in my head. taunting me.

ugh, so confused!

so i know i haven’t posted in awhile, that’s sort of what i want to talk about.

lately iv been feeling really confused about the whole anorexia thing. one day im like, whats the point?, and the next day im like, i just want to see my hip bones again!.
right now iv been eating kind of normally. i dont eat breakfast and have a 100 calorie lunch, sadly when i get home though i kinda of binge a little. usually on yogurt, tortias, wheat thins, or cashews. then i have a small portion of whatever my mom makes for dinner.

i have many possible explinations as to why i am suddenly uninterested in staying ana.
it was just a summer thing
schoools too hard to be this disordered
guys wont like me
people will find out
evveryones suspicious

well iv decided those reasons are stupid.
make it a winter thing
schools too hard to eat normal
guys hate fattys
people will find out eventually, they always do
so what if they’re suspicious? what are they gonna do about it?

so im starting my thinspo book again and im going to plan some meals later this week when i dont have as much homework.
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on another note.
i like this guy.
i still think i might be bisexual though.
i told my therapist about both those things, she said it might just be a phase. im not so sold yet though.
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more notes that need to be discussed.
SCHOOL IS SO FREAKING HARD!
the stress is going to make me binge, i know it. i just have to keep strong and get rid of the three boxes of wheath thins my mom thinks she needs to buy every time she goes grocery shopping. hopefull in the trash and NOT in my mouth…

EDIT:
updating thinspo tonight, hopefully!

***
PLEASE COMMENT,DISCUS, WHATEVER
xoxo
kk

Shopaholic or lesbian?

So the other day, yesterday, I weighed myself, 102 :) goodnews! The last time I went to the doctors was about two weeks ago and I hadn’t weighed myself since then. Well, before I was 109 and now I’m 102 which is good. Very good :)
I binged two days in between though so it could have been better

I was skinny this morning and woke up on time, 6:15, even though it was a saturday. I was the first one ip and took advantage of the time. I skimmed around on word press and checked various things that needed checking. I came across a post which was talking about how eating before noon will be better than eating after noon (Anagrad’s blog — see blogroll). Anyways I was skeptical and thought I would just be really hungry later. So I had two bowls of cereal and two bowls of yogurt and I was happy as can be, until around 6pm… Oh and I had a bag of sour patch kids in between. Any ways, I binged today and i guess that means it didn’t work. Well it was truthful. I stayed skinny until I started bibgeing but in the long run you could call it bad. I’m the only one who doesn’t believe in god in my family so while they’re off at church I’m going to be home alone, I’m
Scared to weigh myself though. The scale is in my patents room so I can only do it when I’m alone of everyones completely preoccupied. I’ll probably stick to the regular diet from now on though.

I read this little fact off my iPod that whenyou smell apples or bananas it makes you lose weight. I just got an apple reed diffuser today, wish me luck :)

I went shopping alot today. I went to: ulta, bed bath and beyond, best buy, ac Moore, famous footware, dsw, and shoppers. I got make up and shoes but the thingbim most excited about is my new wacom bamboo fun tablet. It’s so much fun to use!! Any way enough boring. Back to real life…

I think I can officially call myself bisexual, or at least bi-curious. I don’t know, I don’t think iv ever really LOVED guys. I had a boyfriend in when I was 10., but since then I haven’t felt the sand way about anyone I don’t think. Guy wise for sure. Recently iv been looking at like pictures of keira knightley and Olivia Wilde, and I think I do kind of feel something. I mean maybe j just admire them like a girl crush or something or I’m inspired by them but I’m still not totally sure. Sometimes I think about kissing girls or just like cuddling and doing couple things and it seems pretty nice. Idk, I guess maybe the past year or so has really been the begining of all these feelings. If you’re reading this and you have a comment or feel the same way I would love to know! I’m just a little confused right now so… Yeah.

Oh and my gay friend has subtley asked me if I was saying “it would be so cool if you were a lesbian, then you could be my fag hag.” you had to be there to truly know he was hinting.

XxxX
kk