New Forum! check it out please!

so i created a Pro Ana Mia forum.

i hope you guys visit it, this is the first time iv ever done something like this so help me out, give me feedback, whatever.
spread the word, i really want this to work out!

link:

http://scrumptioushollow.forumotion.net/index.htm

hello again

wow. i really havent been on in a while. school is just WAY too stressful!!

everything is getting in the way. i wish is was normal or thin enough. iv been havin to eat more lately just to keep my energy up for school and what not.
my therapist said it was a good idea to do homework with friends, so i have been. but when ever my friends come over i always eat a lot. like upwards of 1200 cals for that day.
i still havent told my therapist about my ED, i dont think i plan on it either.

i got a psychiatrist and i am now on anti-depressants along with the ADHD med i was already taking. iv been on the antidepressants for about a month. and i secretly stopped taking them about a week ago. it made me feel “not me”. and when i told my therapist about it she said i would have to be on trial with them for about 6 months before she made a decision on whether or not to take me off them. i guess its really not my choice anymore. but when im happy i eat more and then i want to be skinny but i cant bring myself to do it because im “happy”. and then when i did stop taking them i was losing weight again. i could finally see some of my bones. it had been so long. but then thanksgiving came, but that another story. i guess i just wanted to update everyone about how im doing. im still about 106-105 these days. not very happy about it.

might post more later but it have a LOT of work to do for school. i hate school -____-

another day goes by

it seems like high school is getting exponentially harder. i cant take it. its so hard and no one understands what is really going on inside me. all they see is my face and my body and my expressions. no one understands. my mom keeps getting on my nerves, telling me that i need to exercise more, i keep skipping soccer practice and leaving halfway through the games. she doesn’t understand either. being anorexic and usually somewhere around the 100lb mark makes it hard to play a sport. most people would say that someone as skinny as me would be good just because im not fat but iv destroyed my body. my muscle mass is gone and i if a keep playing its going to become obvious that there’s something wrong with me. i dont want to stop and iv tried several times but every time i get close to getting my period or going somewhere special i back out. i don’t want people to see me fat and not having my period just gives me one less thing to stress about.
at school people try to be nice to me and im sure they’re my friend but deep down i fear that calling them a friend means they know me. i know they dont. i dont think i really have “friends” per say just people who can understand me better than anyone else in the world. but even as much as they understand me they dont realize the depth that i go. i am a Marianas Trench and they’re just standing on the closest sand bar. im changing and becoming deeper as time goes one and even if this extended metaphor doesnt last i know i will, and so will this pain i feel. the depression is all that keeps me from being normal. one of the biggest questions i seem to ask myself lately is whether the depression is what caused the anorexia or whether having the eating disorder caused the depression. sometimes i cant remember that far back. four years. sometimes i see my whole life as clearly as if i had just lived it. right there. in front of my eyes. replaying in my head. taunting me.

ADHD

Well, here we go.

When I was in second grade my mom tool me to the army medical center and got me tested for ADHD. I’m not exactly sure what compelled her to do it. I mean I was eight, what was the difference. So Anyways, I got there and they ran a bunch of tests on me. Plopped me in front of a computer and
Told me what was up. I had to press the space bar everytime a letter popped up on the black screen. Five minutes in I decide that this is obsurd and why should I be doing this while my mom got to talk to someone in a different room while iwas sitting there all alone. I proceeded to test out some of the other chairs in the room and when the lady came back into the room I said I got bored.they asked me some more questions after that but I think it was pretty obvious I had ADHD.
So I started seeing a military therapist and began taking medication to treat my ADHD. I had a hard time remembering and I never wanted to take it anyways so around the end of sixth grade I stopped the meddication and tryed living life on my own. Well, about a few months ago it just got too hard juggling school work and everything and I started seeing another psychotheraist. This time she’s a civilian. Anywho, I began taking strattera again, though I’m no better at remembering to take it. I figure since I’m starting highschool next year it’s not time to be experimenting and I should just get down to what works. It does. When I take it. Today I had a session with my therapist and she asked me if I was doing any better taking my strattera, to which I replied that I took about three times within the last week and I hadn’t taken it yesterday morning because I didn’t want to wash out the taste of beagle that was left over in my mouth. Yeah, so that’s pretty much how I ammoat of the time. She laughed, I laughed with her. It was kind of silly but bring a perfectionist and a little OCD I refused to cut a small chunk out of another beagle like she suggested. No one wants a beagle with holes in it!
So that’s my story about ADHD and tomorrow I will probably post about depression and what not.
I’m not sure how many people out there actually read this but if you are I hope you comment or leave me a message or just say hello, anything really :)

Love ya,
Katy

Sent from my iPod touch!