New Forum! check it out please!

so i created a Pro Ana Mia forum.

i hope you guys visit it, this is the first time iv ever done something like this so help me out, give me feedback, whatever.
spread the word, i really want this to work out!

link:

http://scrumptioushollow.forumotion.net/index.htm

the holidays

god. we all hate them. you know you do, dont deny it.

the food.

the family.

the people.

the FAT.

UGH!

so obviously. im on vacation. two weeks. two weeks without structure, school, and starvation. since im home so much i need to eat more to satisfy my family’s suspicions. it sucks. and now, im writting to you wonderful people who read my blog from my aunts house. there are TOO MANY PEOPLE HERE! its me, my sister, my brother, my mom, my dad, my grandma, aunt 1, uncle 1, aunt 2, uncle 2, cousin 1, cousin 1’s husband, and their kid (second cousin).yeah.

i managed not to eat too much for most of the day. and then desert came and aunt 2 brought a whole platter full of different types of cookies and there was aunt 1’s toffe brittle, and just so many delicious sugary things. i caved, i had to have eaten like 8 cookies and 3 square inches of toffee brittle. i feel FREAKING DISGUCTING. i want to go in the bathroom and cry my eyes out. i hate feeling this full. i hate it so much.

iv been trying to exercise by bouncing my legs and walking around, but im pretty sure its not working. i guess i just need a little support right now.

ALSO. i made a post on whyeat.net about how researchers believe that anorexia is linked to wanting to stay a child, and im starting to agree with that more and more. my seconds cousin got all these presents and everyone was paying attention to him and i felt jealous. of a freaking five year old! i wanted to be the center of everyones attention. i wanted everyone to be taking my picture. i wanted all the presents. these days everyone just gets me like 15 bucks and then theyre done with me. its not fair. either that or i want to fade away. disappear so im just a spectator. im free to leave whenever i want to but i can always come back and enjoy the company thats close by.

i just want this to end. i hate holidays.

Omegle

today, my friend told me about this site called Omegle. its a site that lets you talk to strangers. its very handy really. i wasnt feeling that great and so i decided to let it out. im telling you, these strangers are wonderful if you meet the right person.

her was my conversation:

“You: hello
Stranger: why hello
You: hows it going?
Stranger: just pressing on
Stranger: how is it for you?
You: not so good
You: im depressed right now
You: just another day though
Stranger: why not good?
You: im not sure
You: i have a chronic depression i think
You: im anorexic
Stranger: why?
You: because a year and a half ago my family called me fat, even though i was normal
Stranger: does it still bother you?
You: yes
You: i feel fat all the time
You: even though im not
Stranger: why is being fat bad?
You: i suppose it not all bad
You: im not saying its bad
You: i just have a fear of being fat
Stranger: we should have a feast some day
Stranger: and celebrate something
You: that would be nice
Stranger: do you like meat?
You: not really
Stranger: you should learn,, i heart it a lot
Stranger: i could help you like it
Stranger: it’s delicious
Stranger: and nutritious
You: i agree
Stranger: those words rhyme
You: indeed they do :)
Stranger: i’m happy because i’m alive
Stranger: even if i was fat…i’d still get to be alive
You: id rather die skinny than die fat
Stranger: they both die, but one dies happy
Stranger: lol
Stranger: the one who got to eat more
Stranger: or you could do it old fashioned and eat + exercise
You: but how can you live with yourself when your’re overweight
You: iwould be able to handle it
You: *wouldnt
Stranger: just get into shape
Stranger: or don’t get there
You: thats the plan
You: dont get there
You: ever.
Stranger: but don’t stop eating
You: i do eat
You: just not as much as i should
Stranger: kids in africa have kwarshikor syndrome b/c they don’t have enough to eat
You: anorexics dont work the same way as starved children in africa
Stranger: lack of proteins cause water imbalances and their bellies swell up really big
You: starving yourself when your anorexic releases endorphins. its be proven
Stranger: is that sO?
You: it doesnt happen with anorexics
You: its because of their WILL to starve
Stranger: i donot understand it then
You: it is rather complicated isnt it
Stranger: very much so
You: its too bad
You: that people dont understand it better
You: then they wouldnt be so hard on everyone who is. its rather sad
Stranger: this is true
You: i have a question
Stranger: go ahead
You: did you say all of that stuff before
You: because your overweight?
Stranger: nope
Stranger: technically, i’m almost malnourished for my age/height
Stranger: and weight
You: so
You: your normal?
Stranger: average i guess
Stranger: but not the most normal person ;)
You: who IS?
Stranger: exactly
You: thank you. “

something fun perhaps?

ughhh. binged today. i had a girl scout meeting. yes girl scouts. its good for college so be quite! :P (the downside is the glorious cookies)
anyways. we had bagels and this like egg pie thing. oh yeah keish i think. so yeah. not good. but i didnt have one bagle. i had three bagel halves PLUS cream cheese. exactly. then i was just like. why the fuck not. and had some cookies. (I GOT TO TASTE THE NEW FLAVOR!!! :D). and then everyone left and im alone in my house (we have the meetings at my house. and then i had russion wedding cookies or whatever and good and plenty and pie crust. ughhhh

good news: since no ones home i can exercise vigorously and not be called anorexic by my twin sister :)

i want to do something fun with the Pro-Ana community out there. soooo i was thinking we could share holiday thinspo? just a thought.

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!

♥
katy

hello again

wow. i really havent been on in a while. school is just WAY too stressful!!

everything is getting in the way. i wish is was normal or thin enough. iv been havin to eat more lately just to keep my energy up for school and what not.
my therapist said it was a good idea to do homework with friends, so i have been. but when ever my friends come over i always eat a lot. like upwards of 1200 cals for that day.
i still havent told my therapist about my ED, i dont think i plan on it either.

i got a psychiatrist and i am now on anti-depressants along with the ADHD med i was already taking. iv been on the antidepressants for about a month. and i secretly stopped taking them about a week ago. it made me feel “not me”. and when i told my therapist about it she said i would have to be on trial with them for about 6 months before she made a decision on whether or not to take me off them. i guess its really not my choice anymore. but when im happy i eat more and then i want to be skinny but i cant bring myself to do it because im “happy”. and then when i did stop taking them i was losing weight again. i could finally see some of my bones. it had been so long. but then thanksgiving came, but that another story. i guess i just wanted to update everyone about how im doing. im still about 106-105 these days. not very happy about it.

might post more later but it have a LOT of work to do for school. i hate school -____-

another day goes by

it seems like high school is getting exponentially harder. i cant take it. its so hard and no one understands what is really going on inside me. all they see is my face and my body and my expressions. no one understands. my mom keeps getting on my nerves, telling me that i need to exercise more, i keep skipping soccer practice and leaving halfway through the games. she doesn’t understand either. being anorexic and usually somewhere around the 100lb mark makes it hard to play a sport. most people would say that someone as skinny as me would be good just because im not fat but iv destroyed my body. my muscle mass is gone and i if a keep playing its going to become obvious that there’s something wrong with me. i dont want to stop and iv tried several times but every time i get close to getting my period or going somewhere special i back out. i don’t want people to see me fat and not having my period just gives me one less thing to stress about.
at school people try to be nice to me and im sure they’re my friend but deep down i fear that calling them a friend means they know me. i know they dont. i dont think i really have “friends” per say just people who can understand me better than anyone else in the world. but even as much as they understand me they dont realize the depth that i go. i am a Marianas Trench and they’re just standing on the closest sand bar. im changing and becoming deeper as time goes one and even if this extended metaphor doesnt last i know i will, and so will this pain i feel. the depression is all that keeps me from being normal. one of the biggest questions i seem to ask myself lately is whether the depression is what caused the anorexia or whether having the eating disorder caused the depression. sometimes i cant remember that far back. four years. sometimes i see my whole life as clearly as if i had just lived it. right there. in front of my eyes. replaying in my head. taunting me.

what troubles me

im scared

i think i might actually be eating normally.

maybe ill start a fast. i dont know. too obvious?
i tried to throw up a few weeks ago, it almost worked. until i chickened out. then i just felt sick the rest of the day…
if thats what bulimia is then i dont think i would handle it. maybe i could get used to it.

everytime i get home from school i binge, like crazy!
i think it might be because of stress…or maybe i just need better self control?
im not sure…

anyways, i never got around to the thinspo post bcuz i stayed up past midnight doing homework. granted i didnt start till around 530/600…

ugh, just someone talk to me please! i need some support!
[maybe its my ADHD medication! D:]

Vacation disasters

Ooookay…
I am so sorry I haven’t been on in like a month. I had lots of things going on. I will get to them, just read the post :]

These ate rough times my friends…

That sleep over I was talking about in my last post went terribly! Had lots of candy and popcorn but drank lots of cold water and snuck off to my room for some quick exercising which must have payed off because that next day I looked practically the same!

Then my evil twin started to get a little suspicious of my sketchy eating habits, had to lay low. I didn’t plan on updating for a day or two.

Then I was really tired from not eating, couldn’t stay up and post.

Had a doctors appoitment for a sports physical. My mom said she wanted to check to see if I was anemic (iused to be) but I just think she wanted to know my weight…. It was 109!! Ew! I gained so much!

THEN I had to go on vacation for about ten days, just got back today. It went pretty well. I felt rather clever when I had light chunky tuna with some salsa, both of which I bought at a gas station, while the rest of my family ate 800cal subs from subway. Hehehe. Sadly, second to last day, my aunt made German chocolate cake and she already set it out before hand so I had to hungrily stare ate it throughout the whole meal. I ate it. Planned on doing lots of exercise bcuz I had a room to myself for once(staying at my aunts house). But no, my evil twin gets scared of her room bcuz my dad told her there were freaking ghosts in that room and she gets too freaking scared and ends up sleeping with me! God I hate my dad. He calls my depresive episodes “funks” and tells me to just get out of them! He’s so ignorant!!!

Then I realize later the next day Thad I happen to get fat on that rare monthly gift day. If you follow. One that I had been tryingbto avoid since last Friday. Till I got fat. Had a minor emergency bcuz we were in a hotel that night and I left my “supplies” in the car. Wonderful. I has my asshole father get my bAg for me, the day was saved. But I still hate getting it. Once I went six months without it because of ana. Pure bliss that was. If only it was so easy now…
I’m thinking I might just let it go so then if I slip up during the school year I won’t get it as fast or something.

Therapy on Wednesday. Thank god!

I had panera for dinner but before that I was up to just 300cals for the day. That’s when I decided I would just let it go for the week to let my buisness finish were it should. It was delicious. I kinda binged a little when I got home though. Wheat thins are my ultimate weakness. If they had less calories that would be all I would eat for the rest of my life ;)

Adios for now updates again tmro. Thinspo too :)

Anorexia

Iv been anorexic for about two year now. I know it doesn’t seem like that long buy to me it’s been eternity. I can’t remember the last time I was so carefree about what I ate. It all began one summer in late august. I was visiting family in louisiana. I never meant to become anorexic, it just happened. I had quit swimming that summer after six years of being on the team. I didn’t excercise as much and I ate just the same and I started gaining some weight. I wasn’t fat. I was easily within a normal BMI. Nevertheless, my dad started to tell me I was fat. His way of telling me I shouldn’t have quit swim team. My sister was right there with him. I jokingly told them that they shouldn’t say things like that to a pre-teen with fragile psychological structure that wouldn’t shield her from the dangers of peer pressure. I now only realize that this was most likely a foreshadowing of my disease. I started to secretly diet, restricted a little bit here and there. I told myself I wasn’t going to become one of those freaky anorexics who eat like one grape for their entire week. Too late. I was getting thinner and it made me feel good. I had a better body than my twin sister, who has always been more popular than me. Then our trip to louisiana came. I packed a snack bag for the car, I just had to blend in. Hardly touched it during the eight hour drive. Threw out themccdonalds lunches and dinners claiming that they were gross or not what I ordered. Eating salads instead. Once I was there I would suck on my sisters mints all day, eat a pancake and some millk and a small bowl of gumbo. After maybe a week of this I started getting sick everytime I tried to eat. I wasn’t bulimic and I didn’t know I was anorexic then. I was 12 and I had no idea what was going on. It would run right through me and I was skinny so I didn’t really care. At home I continued this until one day I passed out from dehydration. For the next three or four days I stayed in bead eating nothing but oyster crackers. I felt so weak. Then I came up with all these conclusions. I must have scurvy or something so I started eating pears and oranges. Then I was still weak and it was still making me sick. Then I was sitting in my bed, searching the web from my iPod and I had a revealation. I might be anorexic. At first I thought that it was an obsurd idea and I just kinda laughed at it. My ribs weren’t showing or anything, how can this be anorexia? I thought. It slowly got comfortable in the corner of my mind never leaving me. I thought about it day and night those few days. Everytime my mother came into my roo to check on me I wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her so badly. But I didn’t, for many reasons I think. What would my dad say? My twin is going to think I’m done kind of freak and that she’s better than me, the kids at school are going hto label me as weird and an outcast, that girl with the eating disorder. What if they institutionalize me or put me into a hospital and force feed me? I didn’t want those things, so I kept my agonizing secret quite. I didn’t tell a soul.

I haven’t told anyone in my family to this day and I wouldn’t dare. They wouldn’t understand. So that’s my story on anorexia.